Penguins Might Play Game at Canonsburg Dam

Canonsburg Mayor Anthonty Colaizzo and Pittsburgh Penguin owner Mario Lemeiux met recently at Lemieux's request to discuss the possibility of playing an outdoor game at Canonsburg Dam.
Recently Mayor Colaizzo restarted negotiations with officials from Peters Township to purchase the dam under terms reached seven years ago when an extension of the dam's naming rights and a promise to cede the lake back to it's rightful owner, the borough of Canonsburg was agreed to by 'all relevant parties' "That dam name is Canonsburg Dam, not Peters Township Dam", said Colaizzo at the time. Opponents of the purchase have said they are worried that taxpayer's will end up footing the bill but Colaizzo has repeatedly stated that no tax money will be spent on the purchase. Other complications exist, none as large as the Canonsburg Dam Homeowners association who are insisting that any final purchase agreement must include funding for the upgrade and benefit of lakeside property.
"They just can't come in here and carve up the pie like we don't exist", said one disgruntled property owner.
According to an unnamed source close to negotiations a proposal to turn Little Lake Theater into a gaming parlor in order to help fund for the purchase is being given serious consideration.
The issue has garnered the attention of Gov. Ed Rendell. In a statement released by his spokesperson the Governor said that keeping the dam in Canonsburg was the best thing for not only the community but for the state as well.

Solobay Raises Money For New Library

State Representative Tim Solobay remained seated on a firetruck for 75 hours straight in order to raise money for Canonsburg's much anticipated new public library. Leaving only to use a nearby porta-john, Solobay passed the time greeting well wishers and contemplating the great socio-economic changes that he will endeavor to secure for the community while seated in the hallowed halls of the state capital.

State Rep. Tim Solobay orders five chili dogs for lunch during hour 46 of his fundraising effort.

Tiger Plays at Round at Southpointe'

Tiger Woods unexpectedly slipped into town for a round of golf with Canonsburg legend and all round good citizen and nice guy, Manual 'Buns' Pihakis.
"You look good", said Woods to Buns on the first tee, an appropriate thing to say to a man who hasn't changed in forty years.
Those were the last words uttered by Tiger who is well known for such silence in any competitive endeavor. Giving Buns 45 strokes, Tiger shot a course record 49 but forgot to sign his scorecard which voided the round thus giving Pihakis the victory.
Tiger after an errant drive onto West McMurray Rd. He went on to hole out for an eagle.

UFO Mystery Deepens

The Canonsburg 911 switchboard was flooded with calls regarding the mysterious UFO seen hovering above the Colaizzo building between 4 30 and 5 pm yesterday.
Police Chief R.T. Bell dismissed the sightings as "overactive imaginings" but when shown the 'Daily Notes' field photography blowup of the airborne object he refused further comment. Mayor Colaizzo could not be reached for comment either. The 'Daily Notes' then received a call from an unidentified official from SAC Central Command in Washington DC with a request that runs counter to the 'Daily Notes' motto, "The People Have a Right to Know". After consulting with Canonsburg Solicitor General Patrick Derrico the 'Daily Notes' has decided to risk all legal ramifications and publish the controversial pictures.

Editorial- Shameful Schmidt Apathy Continues

Name the only person from Canonsburg to win an Olympic Medal? The Daily Notes posed this question to thirty one local residents and nary a one came up with the correct answer. Even Mayor Colaizzo could only adjust his bow tie and and say he didn't know but he was sure he "waved to him or her at some point."
In 1972 Bill Schmidt did what no one from Canonsburg has ever done or done since, he won the Bronze Medal in Munich, Germany in the javelin throw. In fact he is this country's only medalist in that event in Olympic history. To this day the 'Schmidt Javelin Technique' is considered the most innovative and correct way to propel a steel rod over long distances.
It's sad that this community has not seen fit to honor a favorite son in a way befitting his accomplishment. No front lawn statue for him, no Bill Schmidt day, no Bill Schmidt concert-in-the-park, no Bill Schmidt sign, no Bill Schmidt Drive, no nothing, though Mayor Colaizzo did say that should he ever again decide to implement a ban on outdoor grilling on the Fourth of July he would seriously consider an exemption for Bill Schmidt.
Well Mayor, thats a good start, but it comes up short we think.
This editor has a suggestion. Since Bill's medal is shiny glowing Bronze, why not name the property on lower western Chartiers Avenue the 'Bill Schmidt Radiation Field'?
That way, in 42 million years when the half-life of the buried radium expires and the ground becomes usable again, future residents can look back to the distant past and remember Canonsburg's first Olympic medalist.

Mr. Fuji endorses Obama

The Daily Notes has learned that former WWWF Tag Team Champion (along with Professor Toru Tanaka), Mr. Fuji will support Barak Obama in Obama's quest for the Democratic presidential nomination. Fuji said he knows what it's like for minorities trying to attain the pinnacle of any profession.
"The Professor and I were ground breakers, said Fuji through an interpreter, we were the first Japanese champions and I want to see Mr. Obama become the first African champion."
That Obama is an American citizen was a point apparently lost on Fuji as he threatened to maul our intrepid reporting team when they brought it up.
Fuji also made several other controversial statements saying that if Obama loses the nomination he should commit Hari Kari and that Mrs. Clinton should concentrate on serving tea and ironing Kimono's.

A Dam Bust!

Who to Blame in the Bobby Vinton Dam Fiasco?
State to Investigate